3 Months – Dreaming of Rowan

I don’t ever dream of Rowan.  I didn’t when I was pregnant either – and during those months, I felt a little alarmed at the seeming lack of subconscious connection to my baby.

Now, I know better.  I mean, I actually wish I would  dream about him – kind of like being a teenager and believing the idea that if your last conscious thought was of your unsuspecting crush, that you would have magical dreams about them all night long.  I do that.  When I say I know better now, I mean that I understand that dreaming of something or not says nothing about where it fits in your soul.

I’ve wondered if maybe it’s a kindness – maybe dreaming of him with us would cause the waking hours to feel even more empty.  And by empty, I don’t mean meaningless – I find lots of meaning in my life.  I mean empty – full of holes and cracks that Rowan was supposed to fill.  I still want to dream of him.

Today is 3 months since our sweet boy died.  It feels like it’s been 3 years…. partly because the days really crawl by and time is magnified…. but also because I can’t believe we’re doing so well.  In the beginning, it felt like a black hole.  It felt like there would be no way to feel joy again, to feel normal again.  Now, just 3 months later, I feel like I’ve made years of progress.  From the beginning, I knew that I needed to find my way back to finding joy in the little things, especially in my life as a mom.  Because of the nature of losing a baby, it’s easy to have that taken from you.  But I didn’t want Aiden to be the sacrifice… he needs me more now than ever.

Now, 3 months later, I usually brush my teeth.  I also shower frequently, and get dinner on the table most of the time.   I go for walks and play with Aiden, I meet up for coffee with friends, I’m getting back to work.  Chase and I hold each other, we cry, we eat too much ice cream.  We still haven’t taken the crib down.

And last night, I dreamt of Rowan.

5 thoughts on “3 Months – Dreaming of Rowan”

  1. You are a beautiful soul and a brave mother. I love you, Chase, Aiden, and Rowan, forever, for always.

  2. I’m glad you got to see him again. Your love for him remains strong and your love for your family is so great. Thanks for sharing your heart with us. Big Hugs!! xoxo

  3. Hi Melissa – I know Chase through Fizzle, which I’ve belonged to for the past year, and my heart sank when I heard about the news originally about Rowan. I can’t imagine what you guys have been through, especially since I can relate so much to you guys (I’m also in the Bay Area – in Marin – and we have a 3 year old son and my wife is due in February). I am glad to hear you are doing better and taking it one day at a time. I hope you love your new home in Portland.

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